Wife not a fan of my habit




 

 


My wife hates my fan.

It’s a little white twospeed oscillating fan that helps keep me cool at night while I sleep. My little fan also saves energy by giving the air conditioner a rest, yet my wife can’t stand the thing.

But I’ m not gonna lie. I don’t use my fan just to keep cool. I’ve become addicted to the soothing, humming sounds it makes, and therefore I use it each night- even on cold winter nights- for a sound that is to me like a lullaby is to a baby.

The fan doesn’t help my wife sleep at all. In fact, it annoys her. But she doesn’t complain- not often anyway- because she took me for better and certainly for worse.

Last winter, my little fan joined forces with my wife and refused to turn on- probably from overuse. I threw a fit. A couple sucker punches to the motor made the thing start up. But it was then that I realized I had a serious problem. I decided that I needed to kick my fan habit once and for all.

Quitting was harder than I thought. I tried all sorts of methods to wean myself from the fan, but each night I needed that machine’s sweet noise to put me to sleep.

I bought one of those calming rain forest sound effects CDs and looped it all night, hoping that the sounds of crickets and birds in their native habitat would put me to sleep. Instead I tossed and turned and kung fu chopped the insects that I thought were attacking me as I tried to sleep.

I tried to quit the fan cold turkey. I asked my wife to hide the thing, and I told her to keep it hidden no matter what I said, no matter how upset I got.

After one night without the fan, I went into withdrawal, experiencing horrible mood swings. I needed my fan fix. But I couldn’t find the thing. I threatened my wife, telling her that if she didn’t find my fan, I’d take her 4-year-old son from her.

My wife didn’t give in. Instead, she suggested we play music at night as a substitute, even though she knows that I hate listening to music while falling asleep.

On our first night as a married couple, my new wife asked if playing music at night would bother me.

“Of course honey, if you want to play music, by all means, please do.”

I hated the music. Air Supply made me cringe. Kenny G kept me tossing and turning for hours.

I soon learned that ever since my wife was a teenager she needed music to put her sleep. I put up with her addiction for two years.

I finally suggested running an oscillating fan to kick the habit. I’d heard that the humming sounds could put anyone to sleep. So we bought a small white twospeed oscillating fan- the same one that I can’t find now- and in a few nights my wife didn’t need the music anymore. A few nights later, she didn’t need the fan either. But then I got addicted to it.

Today, I’m in need of that little white propeller blade more than ever, especially with these hot, humid nights. Still, my wife won’t return my fan.

I finally agreed to bring the music back to help kick my fan habit. It was torture.

And then I hid the stereo from her.

Can you believe my wife still won’t return my fan?

E-mail Michael Picarella at michael.picarella@gmail.com. To read more of his stories, visit http://michaelpicarellacolumn blogspot.com.

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