The Art of Being




 

 

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get”

Nora Roberts’ words make it clear we have a role to play in creating the life we desire, including an action some of us tend to avoid: stepping out there and asking for what we want.

The type of “asking” to which I am referring can’t come from a sense of fear, entitlement, arrogance, pushiness, lack, need or greed. It doesn’t come from a belief that others can, should, or will fill our empty bucket—because that is our job, not theirs. It comes from just the opposite mindset.

The type of “asking” I’m talking about comes from a sense of certitude based in a bold selfconfidence, gently wrapped in sincere humbleness rather than a “take no prisoners” mentality.

This kind of asking never ends with a “?” which implies uncertainty or doubt, but rather an “!” which denotes a certainty that an acceptance of the request is already granted even before it is asked. In other words, the intention, attitude and belief behind the action of asking is of vital importance.

Recently, my resident teacher, Master MacDoodle, the Mighty Mystical Super Poodle, demonstrated this action in real time. Diane and I were sitting in the backyard enjoying a cold drink when, out of the blue, Mac appeared, pushed his way (all 80 pounds of him) between us and dropped a wet, slimy, well-chewed tennis ball in my lap.

I gently took the ball, set it down on the ground and continued my conversation. As quickly as I put the ball down he picked it up, this time dropping it in Diane’s lap. This ritual went on for about five minutes until I finally succumbed to his passionate mission to dominate the moment and went to play fetch with him.

The message was clear. He was asking for what he wanted and he wasn’t the least bit shy about making his request known. There was no “?” at the end of his request: It was a definite “!”

The lesson I received wasn’t just about Mac’s getting what he wanted, it was a lesson for all of us: There’s no area of our life where the “If you don’t ask, you don’t get” principle doesn’t apply—and it’s not always about asking for “things.”

For example, perhaps it’s about asking that special person out for the first time or asking for that long overdue promotion at work. Perhaps it’s about asking the person on the phone to slow down or speak louder so you can actually hear and understand what they are saying. The list could go on forever.

Perhaps there is no more important place to “ask” than in our most intimate relationships. Too often we mistakenly assume those with whom we are in a relationship should somehow know what we want without our asking—as if they were psychic. Eventually this lack of communication leads to disappointment, resentment and distancing in the relationship, so a willingness to ask is crucial.

For many of us, asking others for what we want scares the wits out of us because it forces us out of the box of our comfort zone— that imaginary place where we have some illusionary semblance of being in control—and into the realm of uncertainty, where we are absolutely out of control and, thus, subject to the possibility of rejection.

Let’s face it: Nobody likes to be told “no.” Because the fear of rejection is so strong, the tendency for some of us is to sit back, lay low, stay quiet and thus stay stuck in the box.

Asking for what we want is an art form that requires three things: clear communication, high involvement, and low attachment. In other words, it requires a delicate combination of being fearlessly articulate, highly involved in the manner and moment in which we make our request, but with a very low attachment to the outcome, which includes not taking rejection personally when it happens—and it will happen from time to time.

Mac obviously doesn’t always wait for me to initiate our playtime and when he brings the ball or tug-a-rope to me, I don’t always drop what I’m doing to accommodate his desires. But he doesn’t take it personally; he doesn’t retreat and pout—he regroups and waits patiently for the next time there’s an opening, and then he playfully pounces. And I have to admit, his persistence pays off.

It’s hard to repeatedly say no to an 80-pound bouncing ball of fur who’s always offering me an opportunity to learn by his example. If the principle “If you don’t ask, you don’t get” works this well in a dog’s life, perhaps there’s a lesson here for us as well.

The practice is to remember, if we don’t ask, the answer is already no. Now that’s something juicy to chew on—and, thankfully, it’s something far more savory than a tennis ball.

Copyright 2013—New Reality Press. Dennis Merritt Jones is a local spiritual mentor, keynote speaker and author. Contact him at www.DennisMerrittJones.com.


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