Relational security




 

 


I recently received a call from the director of a local charity appealing for money very early in the year as more and more people are in need of their services. Families are losing primary breadwinners to company layoffs. We hold enormous expectations for our country’s leaders to stimulate an economy that worsens each day. The media trumpets negative earnings forecasts and bank closures without an end in sight.

It’s scary out there, and it’s beginning to come into our homes, affecting our families.

How do we cope with this rising tide of bad news? Can we find some anchor that is secure when all else seems to fail?

Webster defines “security” as “freedom from fear or doubt.” Can we live in an insecure world with a degree of protection from fear?

Years ago, during the Great Depression, our relatives had to grapple with something very similar. One of their great coping mechanisms was reliance on family ties and relational bonds, not so much for financial security as emotional security. Families were together in this situation and the stronger for it. They rallied around one another and supported each other in love and faith and optimism.

Is this still true of us today? Are we able to do for one another what the times we live in call for us to do? Have we built our relationships on a strong foundation that will withstand the fear of these days?

One great foundation of families is each member feeling loved and cared about. Time is spent together on a regular basis, during which each person is noticed, inquiries into their lives are made and validation is given; help may be offered if it is seen that this person is on the wrong track. A history together encourages familiar events and jokes and personal vulnerabilities to be woven into the collective mindset and lovingly recalled.

No one feels left out; there is a place for everyone. Older members still have a purpose, and relationships with children are developed and maintained by aunts and uncles and grandparents.

Another great foundation is the ability to have disagreements, disputes and independent thinking without punishment or abandonment. I know of one family whose members hold regular meetings where grievances are aired and steps taken to resolve differences that inevitably occur in groups of people. I know of another family where some, who cannot voice what’s important to them, have gradually become alienated from the others.

Families are also bound by understandings greater than themselves, perhaps a history of survival during perilous times, such as world war or political unrest or religious persecution. How we accept or don’t accept foundational principles of individuals is critical to the group at large. However, greater security comes when a collective agreement about fundamental principles and values is present.

As an example, a client of mine struggles with his strong desire to help others and be involved in church ministry. This is supported by his immediate family, who are also involved. Other family members see him as a “religious zealot” who continually exhausts himself with little to show for it; this is a family divided, where financial success and material gain compete with altruism.

Relational security begins with a willingness to place primary importance on relationships. All too often, we let other things come between us and others.

Alcohol is one such disrupter. It can begin gradually in families and take on more and more time and attention. There are “alcoholic families,” where members are functional in terms of having jobs and the outward trappings of family life but where functions are oriented around the wines being served or the food being consumed, without regard to personal connection. The talk is superficial; members do not really know about each others’ lives and in fact don’t spend much time together unless alcohol is present, too.

Another disrupter is distance —often not actual distance but perceived distance. Families need to be willing to sometimes “go out of their way” to achieve relational security. That means to spend time on a regular basis even it means driving a distance or setting aside time from a busy schedule, especially if another member cannot. A willingness to “go the extra mile” sends a message that the other person is important and valued. All too often there is talk but no action in families.

The final issue is the ability to recognize threats to security before family bonds become so undermined as to be impossible to restore. Completely cutting oneselfofffrom contact with family members is a common solution to emotional pain.

Families sometimes operate under the guise of thinking they are being families until someone has a need. Often members tell each other, “You know I would do anything for you,” until the situation actually comes about. Disagreements may be covered over and never truly healed. Family members may feel overly criticized rather than supported.

Sometimes it’s necessary for families to take a hard look at themselves and ask if they are actually demonstrating family values. If they truly are, what an antidote to our daily dose of economic fear.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Westlake Village. Submit questions/comments to askDrDB@yahoo.com. Go to www.DrDeborahBarber or call (818) 5127923 for more information.

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