Life in the Single Lane

That lovin’ feeling


 

 

For anyone new to this column and in case I haven’t said it before, I love being in love. I also love to love, whether it’s my mom, my close friends, my dog or just life in general—single or not.

Maybe it’s because I’m a Libra and, according to astrology, we’re ruled by Venus, the goddess of love and beauty.

Regardless, I also love exploring what makes for great, lasting relationships, especially since I had hoped to maintain mine for a lifetime.

That’s why I’m on a constant quest to find out what makes people tick, how they find true love and, basically, what makes for deep, amazing connections.

Recently my attention was caught by a newly published book on the subject: “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage,” by Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

A professor of human development at Cornell University and a gerontology professor in medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College, Pillemer interviewed 700 Americans in long-term relationships— 43 years, on average.

The book offers a wealth of information, from delegating household chores and hints for improving communication to dealing with in-laws and families, money issues and, yes, even sex over many years.

I first heard about the book on “CBS This Morning” and chuckled over clips of some of the elderly participants about their long relationships. One said he’d gotten through his marriage by swallowing any anger that came up, and another gal simply said, “I pray a lot.”

In any case, along with the many cool hints and advice, I was particularly drawn to a section of the book titled “5 Secrets to Choosing Your Partner” because I thought you too might be interested. Here’s the scoop:

1. Spend time in challenging and unusual situations.

Although that advice might also reflect certain reality TV shows, I can definitely see the merit in finding out how someone you’re interested in might react during a crisis—probably much more telling than what you might learn about them over a mocha frappuccino at Starbucks.

2. Make a list of things you want out of a relationship.

Although this might sound somewhat simplistic, it reiterates a quote I’m fond of: “You have to have a dream in order to make the dream come true.” So it’s important to figure out in advance what you’re seeking in a partnership; otherwise, how will you know when you find it?

3. Do a sense-of-humor check.

On my list, this might be closer to the No. 1 spot. No laughter— no relationship. Period.

4. Watch how your partner plays games.

The author said this response by the elders, which he called the “experts,” was quite unexpected. However, I guess if a potential partner cheats at Scrabble, for instance, this tendency might be part of their intrinsic value system. By the same token, if they offer to help out when your thimble just landed on Park Place with three hotels in a game of Monopoly, that might also be revealing about their true character.

5. Talk to trusted elders before you get married.

As far as I’m concerned, talking to older folks has always been valuable, so here are some more words of wisdom from these experts:

Jennifer, age 82 and married for 59 years, said, “Be extremely careful about who you marry. . . . You need to look for things like fidelity, honesty, caring and humor,” as well as long-term goals, feelings about success, achievements, money, religion and family.

In response to the question “How do you know for certain that a person is right for you?” the author reported that almost every interviewee said that one can really never know for sure.

An 86-year-old named Roxanne summed it up perfectly by saying that marriage is a gamble and “you can’t ensure that things are perfect. But you can up the odds in your favor by how you choose somebody.”

Andy, 94, simply said, “Love. And love means working every day to keep the fires of love burning.”

Even Dave, a gent with a scientific background, said, “Listen to yourself. . . . Falling in love means that intuition tells you this is the right thing to do—without knowing for sure.”

On that note, what I gathered overall from the book was the realization that finding—and keeping—love is not a science but an art of the heart.

For more information about Pillemer’s work, visit http://legacyproject. human.cornell.edu.

Ela Lindsay is a single, freelance writer in Ventura County. For previous columns, visit www. theacornonline.com; type in “Life in the Single Lane.” For comments, email Lindsay.Ela@gmail.com.


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