Kids who don’t act their age

Ask Ms. Bonnie


Bonnie Vandenberg is the founding educator of “Ask Ms. Bonnie,” specializing in parenting and positive discipline. Email questions to bonniefv@yahoo.com.

Bonnie Vandenberg is the founding educator of “Ask Ms. Bonnie,” specializing in parenting and positive discipline. Email questions to bonniefv@yahoo.com.

Question: I admit that I get impatient and annoyed with my 3-year-old son. The problem for me seems to be that I expect him to act “older” because he often acts and thinks like his 5-year-old sister. How can I remember that my son is only acting his age?

This is a common parenting conundrum with a smart, sweet and developing child. So many of us, parents and teachers alike, tend to expect kids to have the emotional capabilities of their intellectual age, when, in fact, brain development for emotional regulation is on a different trajectory.

My suggestion is to take time (daily if possible), to connect through quality time with your son. The concept of time-in or quality time with children is especially important and helpful when striving to reconnect.

“Time-in” is one-on-one playful concentrated time that includes eye contact and focused attention, and will inform your desire for understanding and validating your child’s needs. It will most definitely help reduce the tendency for your 3-year-old to seek attention in more negative ways because he will be getting the connection he craves.

You’re in a special season of parenting that requires patience, perspective and positive discipline. There are great videos, blogs, articles and sites (including my own) that can further your understanding of children’s behavior. Helping yourself in some way daily to reconnect to this season of parenting can shift your brain back to this higher-order thinking, with the humor and gratitude that comes with it.

This is a normal part of parenting; please give yourself more grace. I urge you to reach out and ask for help when you feel defeated or failing.

Tag your spouse for a moment’s help if possible so you can breathe through and reset your expectations. Ask a friend for a kids-included playdate so you can change up the mood of the day. Begin mini family meetings to talk about big feelings.

Don’t forget to ask your son for help; let him know that you would love his help. A hug realigns the body, mind and spirit, and I bet he’s a really good hugger. Do that, please.

Question: As school resumes, I can see that my kids are starting to adjust to the routine again. My issue is that my fourth-grader finds every excuse to procrastinate doing her homework, even though she’s capable. I find myself nagging. Please help!

It can be frustrating to find yourself back wearing the “teacher hat.” Kids need time to relax after school, but they also thrive from clear expectations. Try this parenting strategy and see how it can shift your after-school experience:

At non-homework time, ask your daughter what will help her the most so that she can be optimal for getting homework done in a timely manner. Ask her to help come up with a routine when she comes home, such as snack, playtime, rest and homework.

Ask her where she believes she’ll be the most capable of concentrating and what she needs to be successful, and then set it up with her. Now when it’s homework time, instead of nagging, ask her “What is your plan for doing your homework?”

Your daughter is at an age where developing ownership of the consequences of her actions is a healthy growth opportunity. Allowing your daughter to be part of the solution and learn to embrace this new level of personal responsibility will be a game-changer for her motivation as well as your parental peace of mind.