It’s a Mute Point




 

 


I’m going to be brave and expose myself.


Let me clarify that.


I’m going to expose my weakness for words and how to use them correctly.


You can decide the real meaning of that sentence after you slog your way through this column about the finer points of how to use words to better express yourself when 99 percent of those listening to you have no idea if your use of a certain word is right or wrong.


"Me hungry." "Me want food." "Me eat." All of these do work. But as in life, there are delicate shades of subtlety, which allows one to lie, cheat, steal and tease on a grand scale. Of course, one could in a pinch also create, amuse, interpret and articulate on a personal level.


This column is for those of you who have a bottomless appetite for the correct use of words and also enjoy raw squid for breakfast.


Upon rare occasions, a reader calls and bluffs his way past our receptionist and actually talks with somebody on the editorial staff but can only use words with no more than two syllables.


The following is a reasonably accurate replay of such a phone call that was important to me and was recorded for quality control and severe reprimanding to improve customer service.


The caller was desperately seeking clarification.


Q: Do I loan or lend you money?


A: Either one is fine with me. "Lend" would be the regrettable act and "loan" would be what you foolishly give to me. But, let’s not quibble over the $20.


Q: Are you implying that I should infer that you won’t repay the loan?


A: Oh generous one, you must draw your own conclusion as the tears of joy stream down my face. I would be "implying" if you weren’t sure of my intentions because I didn’t say yes or no in so many words. However, you would "infer" that possibility if I immediately offered to buy you a double scoop of ice cream with the money.


Q: If I do have an ice cream, may I tell my friends that I hung out with you?


A: Yes, you can tell them anything you want. Tell them we shared a spoon. You could do "worse." I know you’ve made "worst" decisions and ordered mint ice cream.


Q: Would you eat fewer scoops or less scoops than I?


A: Who’s paying? (Just joking.) I noticed you said "I" instead of "me." Did you notice I said, "Who’s" paying instead of "whose"? If I pay, both of us would have "fewer" scoops in cones that hold "less."


Q: Could we discuss this further?


A: Absolutely, we can "further" this conversation at a great place that’s "farther" down the block with its own ATM machine if you need one.


Q: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.


A: If I could "persuade" you, would you be "convinced"? Listen, you have developed a masterful vocabulary and expressing yourself over multiple scoops of strawberry kiwi ice cream would be your most delectable decision.


Q: What would the ice cream do to my waistline?


A: It’s not going to "affect" your striking physical appearance unless you gorge yourself and pass out. In that case, the "effect" would be less than complimentary. If that happens, I would deny knowing you and eat the "remainder" of your ice cream with no ill effects.


Q: I thought we were friends!


A: "Between" the two of us, you’re my good buddy. But "among" Washington, Franklin and Jackson, you’re my best friend. Trust me: I would never leave home without you.


Q: Could we sit at a table for two?


A: As long as there’s room to "set" a cup of ice cream between my elbows, we can "sit" anywhere.


Q: I hope I didn’t aggravate you. I realize I could have.


A: To "aggravate," you would first have to "irritate." Now, I would be "irritated" if you had said, "I ‘could of’ aggravated you." Because there is no such phrase as "could of." Plus, you didn’t "aggravate" the situation by using "hopefully" because you use "I hope" when you mean "I hope" and shouldn’t use "hopefully."


Me thank you for call.


"Irregardless" of the outcome, the caller and "me" "unequiv-ocably" had an "alright" time with the "analyzation" process even though we had "averse" opinions that "comprised" several viewpoints "which" were "different than" those I expected, making it a "mute" point—if words could talk.


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