If Words Could Talk

An Underground Business



An Underground Business


Reader Discretion Advised: The following material contains graphic descriptions that might be unsuitable for anyone who will die.


If that doesn’t make you want to read this stuff, nothing will.


Undertakers have evolved into funeral directors; coffins are now known as caskets; burials are internments; graveyards are cemeteries and all of the above are expensive.


I don’t recall any advertising for a sale on caskets or cremation. They never go on sale. The medical business doesn’t advertise. But, both could advertise together: "For a limited time, get up to 50 percent off for up to a triple bypass with up to 50 percent off embalming with professional life-like makeup. Hurry in today. Call 911. That’s 911. Call now before it’s too late."


Folks are embalmed to delay the aroma of decomposition to allow Aunt Zelda time to arrive from North Dakota. It’s not a legal requirement as long as it doesn’t take her longer than three days to arrive. Longer than that and your neighbors will call the city Department of Sanitation and Foul Smells. (Historical tidbit: President Lincoln initiated embalming during the Civil War to return the dead to their hometowns for burial.)


You can prepare the deceased for viewing and/or burial yourself and do it in your home. You just cannot put Uncle Zuwicki on top of the SUV and drop him off at the cemetery.


It’s a challenge but possible to have your own family cemetery in your backyard as long as it’s 150 feet from a drinking water source and you still have room for the barbecue.


You don’t have to dig a six-foot deep hole. For a casket, 18 inches is legal and 12 inches for cremated remains. (Factoid: The six-foot depth originated during the bubonic plague in 1665.)


Now, class, a quick overview of embalming: First, a plastic disk goes under your eyelids to keep them closed. Second, your mouth is wired shut. (There’s a rumor that morticians swear by super glue.) Third, in-and-out tubes are inserted in an artery, and blood you didn’t give to the Red Cross is displaced (good word choice) with fluid. Fourth, stuff in your tummy is sucked out and gases are aspirated (another good one) so there’s no "silent-but-deadly" passing of wind. Fifth, you get the spa treatment—sponge bath, shampoo, nails, full-body cream, hairstyling and makeup for your close-up lying-at-rest under special lights that make you look healthier than you really are.


According to the National Association of Funeral Directors in Wisconsin, you can select from 22,000 funeral homes, which handle about 2,500,000 clients each year of which 70 percent are tucked away and 30 percent are cremated. The average cost will be $5,500 for your funeral with the casket as the big-ticket item. (Plus, several thousands for the plot.)


However, there are alternatives. There’s no legal requirement that you must be "put away" in a casket. Trader Joe’s paper bags won’t do the trick but a recycled environmentally friendly cardboard casket will (for only $50).


You can order a wooden coffin or assemble your own in advance from a kit with only a hammer and screwdriver ($300).


You can even rent a casket for your special day ($500). (Sidebar: Caskets are rectangular and coffins are narrow at the foot, wider at the shoulders and narrow at the head.)


Grave vaults (with top, bottom and sides) and liners (with top and sides) are not legally required but some cemeteries request them to keep the ground from caving in as your casket deteriorates after you have. (Plus, it makes mowing much easier.) Nothing is going to prevent the bacteria, fungi, amoebas, bad breath, parasites and cheese mold from dining within.


At a funeral home, cremation costs about 50 percent less than a burial or only $600 at specialized cremation societies––if you weigh less than 300 lbs. (Add $150 for each additional 100 lbs.)


If you elect cremation, you cannot try to take any metal items (jewelry, pacemakers, etc.) with you. You need to be in a combustible container (cardboard works).


After incineration, which takes two to three hours at 1600 degrees Fahrenheit, you’ll be "processed" (another good word choice) to a uniform size by crushing or grinding that resembles pulverized seashells which weigh several pounds and fills a 6 x 6 x 6 plastic bag that’s placed in a container stamped "temporary" where you will rest-in-pieces until the reading of your will, which may affect your final disposition and that of your survivors.


Next time: the final installment.





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