We're all in this together

I vividly recall an incident in my family when I was about 9 years old. It was a beautiful summer morning and I had just sat down on a swing seat in our backyard. I was dreamily watching a butterfly flit across some roses when my younger sister came flying around the corner of the house. Soon after, red-faced and in hot pursuit, came my father.

I should pause a moment and tell you that this was an unusual occurrence in my family. I was a neutral observer as they both disappeared around the corner, but as they came around a second time, I began to root for my sister. My dad, the disciplinarian of our family, looked really angry. Whatever she had done, I didn't want him to catch her.

Of course, it all ended after the third lap and she was marched into the house to receive "the consequences" of her actions, usually loss of some privilege. My parents were in charge and children took second place in my family: The hierarchy was firm and established and it worked.

Today many parents allow their children to be dominant in a family. I know of one mother who has given up piano playing and even playing her own music in her car because her daughter doesn't like it. In another family, the son's angry outbursts are so feared that the other members continually tiptoe around him in an attempt to keep the peace, for themselves as well as their neighbors.

Children often struggle for power but don't know how to handle it appropriately until much later, into maturity. A wellmeaning parent who lets a child gain power early on sets them up for failure. If we are not exposed to appropriate limits and boundaries, we may become tyrants with friends or not know how to appropriately get along in the school or the workplace.

Healthy family structure, with parents who are equipped to adequately teach and nurture their children, ranks right up there with "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" for us as a nation. Our families provide a safe haven if they are functional and flexible, if roles are well-defined but there is tolerance for individual differences. We develop our unique characteristics in the environment of family, accepted and encouraged. We learn to get along with people outside our families after practicing with one another.

Each family is its own world, with its particular language, rules, rituals and roles. We emerge from our families with a view of ourselves as individuals but also as part of a system of interpersonal relationships that we carry into the next phase of life.

The frame of influence begun in families is a powerful force in individual growth and development, and effective parenting is key. But what happens to family structure when periods of change or conflict happen? A son or daughter becomes rebellious and "acts out" with drugs or breaking the law. A parent becomes unavailable due to illness. There is often a breakdown of healthy hierarchy or roles, even a tendency to blame a single family member.

At times like these many families turn to therapists to "fix" the problem- that is, the person the family has identified as the problem. It's often easier to look at what is most obvious and miss the underlying cause: That problem individual may be the "weakest link" in a chain of dysfunction. For lasting change to occur, all members of a family need to be involved in understanding the issues and bringing about a solution.

Therefore, if a child's behavior is compromising family life, it is important to ask what is the meaning of it and how does it reflect on the system as a whole? Who else in the family plays a part and in what way? There may be unhealthy coalitions or hierarchies of power. Possibly problems within the marriage are centering around a particular child.

Families are connected in complicated ways and problems must be systemically understood and managed- that is both the strength and the weakness inherent in family life. Strength because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts: Each one of us can tap into that tremendous family strength that we need in order to face the challenges of living. Weakness because when one of us hurts, we all hurt. Kind of a microcosm of how it is to live on our planet today, don't you think?

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Westlake Village, phone (818) 512-7923. Send questions/comments to askDrDB@yahoo.com or go to www.DrDeborahBarber.com for more information.