Offshore winds helping a wave peel down the beach, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Hall & Oates’ new Christmas album blaring on the car stereo— these things always bring a smile to my face.

Oh yeah, you can add one more item to that list: the NFL playoffs.

Sure, I haven’t “broken down the tape” like ESPN’s Merrill Hodge. Nor have I “played the game” as T.V. analyst and perfect hair candidate Joe Theismann once did. No matter, I say, because I know I can go toe-to-toe with those cats any day.

So without further ado, may I proudly present the 2007 NFL playoffs—before they even happen. Please, gamble at your own peril.

AFC Wild Card: Mike Tyson once said he wanted to “fade into Bolivia.” I have this growing suspicion Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy is feeling the same way as his team prepares to host the Kansas City Chiefs on Saturday.

The Colts allow an NFL-worst 173 rushing yards per game. Larry Johnson was second in the league with 1,789 yards on the ground. That’s a nightmare matchup for the Colts pathetic defense.

As much as I want to believe Kansas City will pound Indianapolis into submission, I don’t see Peyton Manning going out like that—at least not in the first round. Manning should have a huge game, and he’ll lead the Colts to a shootout win.

The New England Patriots host the New York Jets on Sunday morning. These teams split two regular-season meetings, with each squad winning on the other’s home field.

Tom Brady gets a lot of hype for being a consummate winner, but Jets’ signal-caller Chad Pennington isn’t too bad either. Watch a Jets game and the announcers will often critique Pennington’s weak arm. But seriously, who cares about cosmetics when the guy’s posting victories week after week? Not I.

The Patriot defense will miss safety Rodney Harrison (knee), but Brady will be marvelous as always and New England will advance in a slugfest.

NFC Wild Card: Also known as the Junior Varsity League, the NFC is the epitome of average. In fact, it barely deserves the ink.

I like Seattle to beat the Cowboys at home. Terrell Owens will be smiling, though. He’ll catch a pair of touchdown passes and then proclaim his greatness at a tearful postgame press conference. The score’s kind of an afterthought in T.O.’s world sometimes.

The Giants are terrible. Philadelphia’s Brian Westbrook will run roughshod over New York’s defense and Eli Manning will have that ridiculous, dopey, shoulders-shrugging look on his face after throwing his fourth interception of the game.

AFC Divisional Round: I’ll preface everything from here on out by once again saying that I’m a massive San Diego Chargers fan. As such, I’m growing increasingly tired of hearing the “Marty Schottenheimer can’t get it done in the playoffs” debate. Do you want to know what wins NFL playoff games? It’s simple: playmakers do.

Nobody has more playmakers than the Chargers.

The league’s best player? LaDainian Tomlinson. The league’s finest tight end? Antonio Gates. The league’s top young quarterback? Philip Rivers. The league’s most feared pass rusher? Shawne Merriman. The league’s best interior defensive lineman? Jamal Williams. The league’s best fullback, its best backup running back, its best punter? Check. Check. Check.

There’s no way New England comes into Qualcomm and beats San Diego. That’s not happening.

The Colts should give the Baltimore Ravens all they can handle in the AFC’s other divisional game. To me, though, the Ravens’ defense is just too nasty—they’re only allowing 14.8 first downs and 12.6 points per game. Steve McNair will lead the Ravens on a late, game-winning drive.

NFC Divisional Round: The Bears will host Seattle. I can’t see the Seahawks moving the ball much on Chicago’s defense. Seattle is a different team on the road, and the Bears will atone for last season’s early postseason exit with a big effort here.

The New Orleans Saints are the feel-good story of the year. Their magical ride continues against the gritty Eagles. New Orleans’ rookies Reggie Bush and Marques Colston will both make major impacts as the Saints march on.

AFC Championship: This will officially qualify as one of the greatest days of my life. It’s hard for me to believe that San Diego won one game three seasons ago. Now the Chargers are on the

verge of creating a dynasty. Beating Baltimore won’t be easy, but somebody will make a play when the Chargers need it most.

NFC Championship: As much as I want to see the Bears make it to the Super Bowl—not because I like Chicago, but because I would love to wage war with Simi Valley Acorn editor and Chicago superfan Kyle Jorrey (he isn’t even from Chicago, by the way)—it’s not happening.

The bottom line is that Rex Grossman is incapable of maintaining possession of the football. He makes too many mistakes, and when he does, Saints signal-caller and Charger castoff Drew Brees will make Chicago pay.

San Diego and New Orleans, we’ll see you in Miami.