There appears to be a lot of hiding in relationships these days. By that I mean hiding oneself from the other while making a strong attempt to maintain the appearance of a relationship.

There may be an illusion of communication and shared experience though partners actually maintain great distance from one another. Perhaps there is an unspoken assumption that the other person would not really understand or attempts to share have been somehow shut down.

The result may be pervasive feelings of meaninglessness or emptiness that worsen over time. We may "substitute" more positive aspects of our lives like careers, hobbies or children for our relationship until partners become marginalized and the connection only practical.

Why does this happen? Is it "her fault" because she "just can't listen" or is he to blame because "men have difficulty relating"?

Or is it that relationships will always be just beyond our understanding: We'll never get it right. After all, our parents probably didn't. We may not have seen much healthy relating in that passionless relationship. In fact, our role models often involve more discord and dissolution than healthy intimacy and connection over time.

Should we "settle" for distance as long as other needs are being satisfied or do our relationships deserve more? Can we even have more in these turbulent times where everything seems to conspire to separate us?

Our very thinking about relationships is problematic. "Love at first sight," "conflict is bad" or "marriage will solve things." Cultural ideals, the media and our own biases influence and confuse us.

We are becoming more aware from psychological and physiological study that there is a dynamic system involved in relationship, a system that was initiated when we were born and began to relate to our parents (or caregiver) and continues into the present. It involves our capacity for attachment and early experiences of trusting others and it determines whether we will be able to relate closely or whether there will be a certain distance maintained in relationships . . . that is, our need to "hide." It is a looming presence, even when we are unaware of it.

Clinical psychologist Augustus Napier, author of "The Fragile Bond," writes that "most of us enter adulthood with a vast reservoir of unexpressed emotion about the excesses and insufficiencies of our childhoods, but we are rarely aware of the power of this painful heritage." Nor are we aware of how defensive we may become when faced with emotional intimacy.

Most people enter into a relationship with an unconscious expectation of transformation. We believe that everything will change for the better, all the old hurts will heal with a partner who will give us approval and wholeness. He or she is nothing like anyone we have known before . . . and then somehow they become familiar.

They eventually confront us with the most central and painful realities of our childhood attachments. We may withdraw then and "hide" behind the trappings of "normalcy"- the carpool, basketball pick-up games with the boys, or whatever life demands at the moment. We are in a relationship, a marriage even, but we are not really connected to one another.

We can have more. We were designed to live communally with all our spontaneity, vitality and selfhood intact. So how do we reawaken our ability to connect deeply and form attachments that truly satisfy us?

First, we need to recognize whatever part we bring to this situation. We have to become aware of what we believe about relationships, sorting myth from reality, and what our legacy of attachment has been. It may prove painful; we may need to consult a therapist and explore individually for awhile.

Later, we can take risks of sharing with our partners and attempt connection on a deeper level, accepting that change may be slow. We can work with our partners in therapy or outside, in order to understand each other's expectations and needs in a relationship. Together, we can "customize" our relationship, making it uniquely ours in all things affecting connection.

There are many more ways to work on intimacy, too many to mention here, but this can be a beginning. Come out of hiding, if that's where you are. Take a risk for change. We may, as Napier put it, "discover our mate to be someone familiar and someone forever new." We may discover a level of connection we never thought possible.

Deborah Barber, PhD, (PSY 16654) is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Oak Park at (818) 512-7923. Send questions to askDrDB@yahoo.com.