Help, anyone?

Why isn't potty training a 2year-old as easy as they make it sound in all the books?

I know my son will read this story one day and hate me for it, but potty training him has been more difficult than getting an environmentalist to cut down a rain forest to build a strip mall.

My wife and I have tried rewarding our son with stickers for going potty, and we've recently tried giving him his favorite treat, fruit snacks. Though my wife thinks it's probably not a good idea to reward a kid with food since that can turn into an unhealthy lifelong habit. Nothing seems to work.

My son, who's almost three years old, has the No. 1s down. He goes every time. But when those No. 2s come, he usually takes off into his room and shuts the door. By the time my wife or I catch him, the dump is delivered and the damage is done. And what a mess he makes.

For those who are disgusted with the topic of this column, I apologize. Potty has been a normal topic of conversation in my house for the past year-even when we have guests and even at dinner.

I get so excited on the rare occasion that my son goes No. 2 in the potty that you'd think I won the lottery. I actually jump up and down and yell with excitement. I call my mom and say, "Mom, it happened!"

"What, you won the lottery?" she asks.

"No, Robert went No. 2 in the potty-on his own!" I usually go into a few details. My mom plays along. She gets excited, too.

I recently wrote an independent movie called "Punchcard Player" about a guy who works six jobs to maintain the materialistic lifestyle that society expects of him. The movie is the result of people I've seen who expect too much from kids. I feel that kids today live in a brutal world. Their parents, teachers and peers place such high demands on them that some of them will do anything, even subject themselves to working several jobs at the same time, just to "keep up with the Joneses."

One parent says to a neighboring parent, "Oh, your son got 98 percent on that test? Mine got 99 percent." Such behavior, I've noticed, often results in a miserable existence for the kid.

I don't think it's bad that parents have high expectations for their kids, but I think there's a point where they can do damage if they don't know when to back down.

So I hate to say this, but I want my son potty trained-now.

My son's friend Gavin, who's the same age, is potty trained. Skylar, another friend, has been potty trained for months, and she's younger than Robert- though everyone says that girls become potty trained faster than boys.

The older generation says that my generation was potty trained at two years old. My parents' generation, I'm told, was potty trained at one. I suppose that means my grandparents' generation was potty trained at birth.

My frustration level, as you can see, is extremely high. My wife and I recently paid a visit to our pediatrician with our concern.

"Don't worry," he said. "If he gets to be 3 and a half years old, then worry. Otherwise, don't pressure him. It'll make things worse."

It did become worse. I put more pressure on my son to go No. 2 after hearing that his friends in school would move on to the next class without him if he doesn't learn soon. I'm such a bad parent for putting pressure on my son, but you have to realize I tried the "high pressure" method because the "nice" method doesn't seem to work.

I've come to the conclusion that I just have to wait until my son is ready to go on his own. In the meantime, I'm soliciting advice from successful trainers out there. My wife and I have tried the reward system, we've tried to get our son to teach his teddy bear to go No. 2 in the potty-is there a method out there we're missing?

Please e-mail me at pic@theacorn.com with any helpful words. Thank you in ad- vance.