Kids thrive on positive family values

Having teenagers at home is not a prison sentence. The teen years are challenging but can be rewarding as long as families stay connected, Tim Smith told a group of about 40 parents who attended the monthly Awareness, Communication and Transformation (ACT) meeting in Westlake Village last week.

Smith, a Newbury Park resident and former Calvary Community Church family pastor, is a parent coach who has written more than 15 books on subjects related to raising children.

ACT brings teenagers and parents together with experts to discuss issues that concern older kids and their families.

Moorpark resident Bob Koff and Drew Sams, the high school pastor at Calvary Community Church, founded the group about four months ago.

"People tend to pass judgment on teenagers too quickly," Smith said. Kids sometimes act oddly, he said, because they want to be heard and understood. "They're crying for someone to pay attention."

Teenagers spend about 20 percent of their time alone but they also like to be part of a team. They're paradoxical by nature, Smith said. Mostly, teens rely on their parents for stability.

They may not want to hang out at the mall with their parents but they still want time with them, according to statistics gathered by Smith, who does surveys for the George H. Gallup International Institute, Princeton, N.J.

When teens talk, parents are tempted to interrupt, said Smith. "But don't jump in and make every moment a 'teachable' moment," he said.

"Listening is important because it tells you what their needs are, otherwise we assume that we know-- and the assumptions are often wrong," said Pauline Pancake, a Thousand Oaks resident, attended who attended the ACT meeting with her 15-year-old daughter.

Smith pointed to a trend of overscheduling for kids. Even when they are not in school, today's teenagers, unlike teens of past gen

erations, are busy with extra-curricular activities. They're also distracted with personal music devices, social networking websites and video games. Families need to make time to talk without these distractions, he said.

Keith Millhouse, a father of two teenagers, didn't attend the ACT meeting. But the Moorpark resident, whose experiences seem to mirror Smith's comment, said his biggest challenge is time.

Millhouse, a Moorpark City Council member, has a son, Christopher, 18, and a daughter, Ashley, 16.

"Nowadays, we make our kids so busy with school, athletics and other extra-curricular activities that we need to make a conscious effort to find time and have them make time for family gatherings," he said.

Separated parents are especially challenged in that area so they must be persistent in trying to make time for visits, said Millhouse, who was divorced about four years ago.

Millhouse is proud of his kids' accomplishments. His son was accepted at several respected colleges, he said. Yet it's difficult to let go.

"You want to protect them but they have to get out in the world so you have to hope you gave them a good foundation to deal with what they'll face out there," Millhouse said.

According to a variety of studies, academic performance increases when families regularly spend about 30 minutes at the dinner table together.

Research by the National Center of Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University consistently found that the more often children eat dinner with their parents, the less likely they are to smoke, use illegal drugs or abuse alcohol.

"Being loved makes teenagers feel secure and safe in an unsafe world," said Smith.

Family meals provide an opportunity for everyone to contribute, but they should remain positive. And the quality of the food that is served doesn't matter.

But there are other ways to be connected, said Regina Mocey, an Agoura Hills resident who has three sons.

"Expecting everyone to show up at a given time is not practical anymore," said Mocey, who believes parents can also bond with their teens when they take time to help them develop their own interests.

"As far as teens are concerned, you want to keep them involved emotionally with the family and let them know how a family feels about certain issues because peers are influential," she said.

As high school kids start to go their own way, trust must be established.

"The greatest blessings are to see them rewarded in their lives with love, success and recovery," Mocey said.