Q: I am taking care of my elderly and ill parents at home. I have two children, ages 9 and 15. What can I do to help prepare my children for the deaths of their grandparents and how can they be involved in the funeral?

A: Your question is a very common one for people with young children. As good parents, we do not ignore these and other important "life issues," but learn how to address them.

As a child, I lived above the family funeral home and death could not be pushed aside. Later, as a funeral director, I realized that fear on the part of many parents often prevented them from discussing serious illness and death with their children, leaving them out of discussions and rituals associated with death by assuming children cannot cope with it. At such a critical time, children need assurance and shouldn't be left on their own to find answers or struggle in dealing with uncertainties.

All children in a family will be affected by a death in some way, and just as you will grieve, so will your children grieve. You are wise in not waiting until a death occurs to talk with your children. It is best to prepare them ahead of time, especially since their ill grandparents are in the home.

Talk with them about what they will see or are seeing, and about such things as visitors who may come to the home, such as physicians, nurses, emergency personnel or clergy. Recognize that as a parent, you are your children's model. Share your feelings with them and encourage them to do the same with you.

These types of discussions should not take place as you sit across a table from your children but should take place with your children sitting on your lap.

Many children spend a good deal of time with their grandparents. They may want to be involved in caregiving on their own level: bringing food to them, drawing a picture or reading a story with them, or assisting you with small chores. Activities like these help dispel fear in children, allow them to verbalize their feelings and help reinforce the feeling of security from being a part of a family unit.

Children can also participate in funeral activities. Ahead of time, prepare them as to what they will see and what will take place. With your children in your car, drive by the funeral home and/or visit the cemetery to acquaint them with these places. Let them know other family members and friends will attend.

At the funeral, photographs with the grandparent can be displayed at the funeral home. Children can draw a picture or write a letter and place it inside the casket. Children also make wonderful "greeters" and can be in charge of the visitor's register book. They can hand out memorial folders and carry flowers leading the casket to the grave. Children can be active or honorary pallbearers or asked to recite a poem or prayer during the ceremony.

The key is to not separate them from funeral activities but to welcome their participation in a manner they feel comfortable with.

For parents who are helping their children understand death, it is important to be honest, to keep explanations simple, and to use language that is easy for them to understand. Most importantly, be loving and be there for them. Kubasak is a licensed funeral director. He lectures across the country and consults with funeral homes, crematories and cemeteries. To have your question answered, call (702)345-3212 or e-mail Mike@kubasak.com.