And Baby Makes . . .

Divorce?

Parents-to-be are encouraged to prepare in all sorts of ways for a new baby. They spend hours shopping for the perfect crib, nursery items and clothing and even more time setting everything up for optimal baby care. They visit the obstetrician, find a pediatrician and take Lamaze classes. They make plans to take time off work and prepare for future childcare needs. But how do they prepare their marriage for this blessed (and often tumultuous) event?

The answer is: not enough. Stresses on marriage can reach a critical level for first-time parents. John Gottman, PhD, one of the country's foremost marital researchers, has found that 67 percent of couples go through a tragic deterioration in the quality of their relationship when the first baby arrives.

Over a decade ago, I did a dissertation on household and childcare task management using dual-earner couples at various stages of transition to first-time parenthood. Results indicated that couples at six-months postpartum exhibited less task sharing than couples measured prior to childbirth, significantly eroding their sense of sharing a unified family vision. Many of the couples in this study had not discussed these issues prior to filling out the questionnaires and reported that the process assisted them in understanding the impact of the actual birth.

In my work with couples today, household and childcare tasks continue to be a significant source of conflict between husbands and wives, along with other stressors. There may be other unresolved problems such as in-law relationships, gender role views, or family-of-origin issues. These do not magically disappear when a couple transitions to parenthood.

Instead, with sleep deprivation, less time for one another, more focus on the baby and less support from family and community, issues can take on critical mass and ultimately result in greater conflict and marital dissatisfaction.

How can couples divorceproof their marriage at this crucial life-stage? One way is to continually put their relationship first. Spend time together, talk together about your needs and preferences, remembering what drew you together in the beginning. Find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter and make a date together on a regular basis, even when the baby is young. Take care of your physical needs so that you will have some energy for one another. It's hard to be romantic when you are coping with a fussy infant, but try to be patient with each other as this stage will pass. Rely on friends and family, your church or synagogue for additional support; don't isolate. Finally, if issues continue to be problematic, seek out a professional counselor to provide some assistance.

Gottman stresses that most successful couples have some unresolved conflict in their marriage but ultimately find a way to honor each other's views. Loving one another in marriage is the best gift you can give your new baby.

Following is a common concern for many new parents.

Q: Since the birth of our daughter, my wife has hardly noticed I'm alive. When I come home at night, she's totally focused on the baby and I can hardly get her attention. She's a great mother, don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling left out of this family. What can I do to change this situation?

A: This is a common problem for couples. Often, first-time mothers are so absorbed in this new role that they have little time or energy for their husbands. They may not trust anyone else to provide this level of care, especially if it was not modeled by their parents growing up. Take some time to talk with your wife about your concerns when the baby is sleeping or at some point where she can stop and listen. Offer to help and demonstrate that you can. Try to do this in a way that is gentle and be a good listener. Maybe you can be the one who finds the babysitter and convinces her of the benefit of a romantic evening out. Be patient, loving and persistent: she'll respond.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in individual and couples therapy for adults and has a private practice in Oak Park. Send your questions to askDrDB@yahoo.com