Understanding Grief

Q: I am recently widowed. My family and friends use the words grief, bereavement and mourning. Help me understand what these words mean. Do they all mean the same thing?

A: Grief, bereavement and mourning are terms that have come to mean a lot of different things. They are often “loosely used,” sometimes used in place of one another, but they have different meanings.

Grief is a normal human reaction that describes a combination of feelings and behavior in response to loss––in your case, the death of a spouse. Grief can vary in intensity from mild to severe and in duration from brief to prolonged. Grief reactions can also occur before the loss occurs, as when a person develops a fatal disease.

Grieving can trigger mental, physical, social and emotional reactions manifested through such things as crying, sobbing, confusion and disorganization. Sleep can be disturbed, appetite is commonly diminished and grieving people often resist being involved in social gatherings. They can feel lethargic, act uninterested and be noticeably withdrawn.

There is no time clock signaling when grief is over and closure is rarely attained. In time, grief diminishes but often recurs from time to time at anniversaries, birthdays, holidays or when reminded of the person who died.

Bereavement describes the “state of being” following significant loss and, in particular, describes a period of time during which grief is experienced and mourning occurs. Bereavement is derived from the word “bereft,” as in the phrase, “I am bereft.”

Mourning, also referred to as the “act of sorrowing,” is the process of outwardly expressing grief. Mourning is greatly influenced by one’s cultural customs and religious-spiritual rituals and the norms and rules of the survivor’s society. Some important considerations affecting how a person mourns include:

The manner in which the deceased’s life is commemorated and how the body is disposed

One’s beliefs as to what happens after death

How the loss is integrated within the family

The character of the loss: Was it traumatic, such as an automobile accident or murder, or does it carry a stigma, such as suicide?

The word “mourner” describes people who grieve a specific loss. A common expression of mourning from years ago that is still practiced by some people includes wearing a black arm band or placing a wreath or ribbon on the door to distinguish a person as being in mourning, closing one’s business for a period of time and the display, procession and disposition of the body.

For notable persons who die, schools and government offices may close and flags can be placed at “half mast.” The majority of current American mourning practices derive from our European ancestry and include various customs from a diversified mix of cultures, beliefs and backgrounds.

Coping with grief from the loss of a spouse is hard work but necessary in order to resume daily life. Experts tell us that a healthy resolution to dealing with death includes facing the reality of the loss, which in time helps us to get back to the activities of normal living.

People cope with loss in many ways and there is no single way for people to grieve and mourn. While it is true that in time emotional pain eases, it is still normal for the feelings of loss to never completely disappear. Hopefully, this experience will lead to personal growth.

Kubasak, a licensed funeral director, lectures nationwide and consults to funeral-cremation businesses. You can have your questions answered by calling (702) 345-3212 or by emailing Mike@kubasak.com.