How to ease pain of divorce for children

In practically every divorce, the children are usually the last know. Even when a marriage is fraught with discord, children generally hold onto the wish that their parents will somehow manage to stay together, or, like “The Parent Trap,” they can engineer a modicum of a truce.

But in the real world, acrimonious marriages generally end in equally contentious divorces. When that happens, a constellation of emotions surface, feelings of abandonment rage, psychological dysregulation and immense anger are but a few of the overwhelming feelings children experience.

Divorce is never easy. Even in the most civilized of circumstances, almost everybody is put through the wringer, with children suffering the most. But what happens when you are the cause of their pain?

Even in the final stages of a divorce, many parents still don’t want to own it. They know that they must do something about their child’s anguish, but they’re just too busy fighting the custody battles, property settlements and a host of other issues that need to be resolved. Such parents are sometimes accused of putting their needs before that of their children. The children think their parents are selfish for not listening.

Who really loses? Do they feel they can express themselves?

Here are some tips on how to create a safe and contained atmosphere for your children to maintain their self-esteem and emotional equilibrium during the roughest of times.

Emotional casualties

Recognizing the difficulties in managing your child’s emotions, and how differently they manifest themselves is a challenge in itself. Margaret Mearson, PhD, a family therapist who specializes in divorce, believes that children will respond to stressful situations in a variety of functional ways.

Some signs to look for in children who are experiencing depression are:

•Loss of spontaneity. “This is one of the first problems to occur and one of the most primary. Humans are wired for fun and adventure and when your child becomes morose, consider it indicative of a serious problem,” said Mearson.

•Excessive brooding. While some children are able to bounce back after a divorce, others take longer. But a child who has become gloomy for a long period of time is probably not going to get better without professional assistance. Withdrawal should not linger for months on end.

•Your child’s grades have dropped dramatically. “The difference in ‘dramatically’ is anything from forgetting to do homework on a regular basis to seeing grades drop,” said Bryon Pierce, a marriage and family therapist and author of the upcoming, “Divorce Your Style: Creating A Class Act.”

•You suspect your child is using alcohol or drugs. “Believe it or not, it’s never to early for them to start experimenting, and it’s never too late for you to discuss the subject with them,” said Pierce. “If you have any reason to suspect this, do something before it’s too late.”

•Your child has lost interest in his favorite activities. “Did he like to play soccer? Paint? Did your daughter spend every other Saturday with her best friend? A loss of participation in social affairs creates isolation, a condition commonly seen in depression,” said Pierce.

•Your child becomes moody and irascible, snapping at simple questions or not responding to reasonable requests. “If you ask your child to take out the trash and she flies off the handle, that’s an extreme reaction,” said Mearson. “Take a good look at that.”

Think of the kids

The point of any sane divorce is to get the children through it with the least amount of psychological harm as possible. One of the most damaging aspects of divorce, according to statistics from researchers and family courts, is open parental conflict. A study of more than 2,000 divorced people in 1999 revealed that more than 50 percent of parents still argued in front of their kids.

“Conflict of this nature creates a breeding ground for open warfare. This is the worst thing you can possibly do,” said attorney Rose Cohen, a family law specialist in Woodland Hills.

“Argue anywhere except in front of your kids,” Cohen said.

Such altercations create serious problems with children, ranging from lack of trust to aggression. Exposing children to conflict also places them in what psychologists call “loyalty conflicts,” forcing them to choose sides.

Loyalty conflicts damage a child’s self-esteem and sense of emotional security. They feel they cannot be safe with one parent or the other. Try to be flexible

Who gets the children on Christmas day, New Year’s Eve and other holidays?

“Remember that you’re doing this for your child, above all,” said Mearson.

“Where children are concerned, nothing is predictable. Try to understand your child’s perspective and remind yourself how difficult it is for them and how you can teach them to overcome even the toughest times. This is a great time to teach your kids that they’re bigger than their problems,” Mearson said. Substance abuse

If you suspect your soon-tobe-ex spouse is involved in substance abuse, do something about it immediately. “But never use this as a means to gain custody,” said Jake Meyers, a family law attorney in Seattle. “That is practically a sure method of losing completely.

“Let your attorney know about the suspected abuse and report the culprit to your local Child Protective Services, and keep careful documentation of all complaints from your child. Look for bruises, take pictures and do everything you legally can to keep your child from being abused again,” said Meyers.

In summary, remember the five psychological components of acceptance, guidance, understanding, stability and unconditional love.

“If you can give them this much,” said Mearson, “you’re way ahead of the game.”

Kristina Diener is an Agoura Hills resident and clinical psychologist specializing in children, adolescents and teens. Contact Diener at http:// www.divorcesource.com/CA/ pages/diener.html.