Dating world can be full of peril

With drugs, physical abuse and rape among youth said to be on the rise, teen dating can be dangerous.

To help teens understand how to protect themselves, Holly Henderson, training and outreach specialist for the Ventura County Interface Children and Family Services, spoke to a group of students and parents at Oak Park High School last week as part of a free, Parent Faculty Club-sponsored event.

Henderson offered grim statistics: A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the U.S. One in three girls and one in five boys in California will be sexually assaulted before age 18. And a study of eighth and ninth-grade girls found that 25 percent were victims of violence, and date rape accounts for 67 percent of all sexual assaults.

“Dating violence is a huge epidemic that is happening everywhere,” Henderson said.

Alcohol and drugs are big factors in date rape.

Henderson discussed various drugs, including ketamine, also known as Special K or Kit Kat; Rohypnol, an odorless, colorless and tasteless white pill that is 10 times more potent than Valium; and GHB, also odorless and colorless but with a salty taste. GHB can be carried in a nose spray or eye drop bottle and one capful can cause the same effects as five or six beers, according to Hender-son.

All of the drugs work quickly and will knock a person out, especially when combined with alcohol. The drugs can be put into a cup or water bottle and the person drinking from the vessel would not know the liquid had been tampered with.

“They can rape you, kill you or rob you,” Henderson said.

Henderson told the students never to pick up a drink after putting it down. Teens should only accept a drink from someone completely trustworthy, and keep a hand over the top of a cup to prevent a drug from being dropped is broken, throw the bottle away so no one else picks it up. Better yet, teens should avoid drinking at all social gatherings to avoid any potential threat.

“There are people looking to take advantage of you at all times,” Henderson said. “Anywhere you are, you are going to have to be aware.”

Other safety tips include carrying a cellphone and always letting somebody know one’s destination before going out. Teens should not go to parties alone or leave a party with a stranger. Teens should not rendezvous with anyone they met on the Internet in person, because the person may not be who they say they are.

When teens go on a date, they need to be very clear and upfront about sex.

“Don’t let them guess and take advantage of you,” Henderson said.

She gave many examples of teens she knew who had been victims of abuse or violence, including herself.

“I spent two years in an abusive relationship and I didn’t realize it,” Henderson said. “I didn’t recognize what abuse was.”

To help students identify abuse, she described various forms, including physical, emotional, verbal and sexual.

Physical abuse might include hitting, biting, choking, burning or cutting. Emotional abuse might come in the form of threats, rumors, jealousy, cheating and financial. Verbal includes name calling, screaming, sarcasm, cursing and insults.

“Healing emotional scarring takes a lot longer than healing from the physical abuse,” Henderson said.

Signs of abuse can include invading another’s privacy, such as looking through e-mail or a cellphone; isolating a person from family and friends; or telling someone what to wear.

On sexual abuse, Henderson said teens need to be aware of potential older boyfriends or girlfriends. It’s illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor.

“If you have a 26-year-old coming after you and you’re 14, 15 or 16, say to yourself ‘something’s wrong,’” Henderson said. “That 26-year-old wants to control you.”

On incest, Henderson cited several cases and urged students to help those they know who might be victims of incest. She offered tips on how to spot potential abuse.

“See how they treat their parents or how they treated past relationships,” Henderson said. “If he’s rude and disrespectful to his mom, that’s how he will treat you.”

In answer to a question from the audience about how to tell if a relationship is going bad, Henderson said sure signs include constant fighting, depression and if a person is threatened or controlled.

“Ask yourself why your parents are saying not to date this person,” Henderson said. “They are not trying to control you. They want you safe.”

It’s not always easy to break away from an abusive relationship. Some people don’t leave because they think that’s what love is, Henderson said.

Others think they can change the other person.

“You cannot change a person. You need to get out,” Henderson said.

Diana Traficante attended the talk with her daughter, Ariella, a sophomore.

“Our kids live in the Oak Park bubble and many are ill-prepared when they get out into the real world,” Traficante said. “Programs like this one can help educate our students as to what is going on outside the bubble.”