Q:

Four months ago my husband died after a long illness. I have two children and some friends, but I do not want to be with them all the time. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. What are some things I can do to feel better?”

A:

The time following the death of a spouse is very emotional for most people and can trigger all sorts of powerful feelings.

Four months is only a brief time. You are experiencing grief, a normal emotional response. Well-meaning family and friends may want to rush you through it by telling you not to grieve. They may offer simplistic explanations under the mistaken assumption that these will make your grief go away. It does not work this way.

Your grief is yours. It is normal. It is not an enemy. If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until you were healed. Grief is a major wound that doesn’t heal overnight. Using “crutches” is an aid to healing. Each of us grieves in our own way, heals in our own way, and no one can tell you how long this will take.

Recovery may take a year, even longer. This does not mean you are weak. If your family and friends do not give you time to recover, find more supportive people to be with. You may sense you are getting better in a year or so, but remember that grief never completely goes away. It may recur briefly on special occasions like holidays or birthdays. You give yourself permission to grieve by acknowledging your need for grieving, thereby lessening tension and turmoil.

Here are some suggestions that may help your recovery process:

•Socializing: Do it when you feel up to it. Spend time with supportive, understanding people you feel comfortable with. You may discover that you are not as comfortable as you once were with some old-time friends.

•Simple pleasures:

Indulge yourself by taking a long bath, getting a massage, visiting a hairdresser, listening to favorite music, reading a new book or simply lounging in your pajamas. If sleep patterns are disrupted, take naps. Volunteer for a special cause, but do things at your own pace.

•Commonality: You may find comfort and support being with other people experiencing a similar loss. Knowing what helped them can be a psychological boost for you. Local self-help groups can be found through newspapers, senior centers, hospitals and local funeral homes.

•Set small goals: For a while, life may appear to have no meaning. Be easy on yourself. Set small goals like going to the grocery store, calling a friend, going to church or to a movie. Living one day at a time helps relieve pressure. Don’t be surprised if your enjoyment of these things is not quite the same as they were before the loss.

•Exercise: Try daily walks around the block, in a park, around a lake. Yoga or exercise classes at a YWCA/YMCA or a recreation center can help restore sleep patterns.

•Eat sensibly: It isn’t uncommon to lose your appetite or your desire to cook. Grief is hard work and makes demands on the body. Instead of meals, you might prefer eating small amounts several times during the day. Fresh vegetables, fruits, juices and soups can be filling and nutritious. Avoid caffeine or sugar.

•Use medication with caution:

Inform your physician that you are in the grieving process, especially if you are taking medication. Some medication, even if prescribed by a physician, can complicate grieving. Using drugs or alcohol to escape your feelings is not wise and can prolong the process. No “cure” for grief can be obtained from drugs.

•Permission to backslide: Grief usually includes periods of “ups and downs.” Moments of sadness, anger, despair and even feelings of glee and well-being can occur within minutes of one another. A favorite song can trigger crying; a memory can cause laughing. Recognize that these moments are natural and are to be expected.

•Express your feelings: It is important to verbalize your loss and feelings. Someone once said, “Grief shared is grief diminished.” Tell a friend you need someone you can talk to, without their providing answers or reasoning.

•It’s all right to say no: Don’t allow pressure to cause you to do something you feel uncomfortable doing. If you’re invited to dinner, to take a trip or to attend a social event and you don’t feel up to it, respond by saying, “Thank you, but I’m not really up to it now. Will you ask me again next week or next month?”

•Keep a journal: Many people find recording their thoughts and feelings in a journal to be therapeutic and enjoyable. It can also serve as a “calendar” for how well you are doing.

New experiences are ahead for you. Your world has changed; you may experience new feelings and develop new relationships. You may even discover a new you and uncover new talents and interests. In many ways, it is like beginning life all over again. It is to be lived, and from it you will grow.

Mike Kubasak is a licensed funeral director, embalmer and certified crematory operator. A former owner of a funeral home, he now lectures and consults throughout the country. Reach him by calling (702) 345-3212 or e-mailing mkubasak@aol.com.