Valentine’s a day for ‘sissies’?

Valentine’s a day for ‘sissies’?

By Michael Picarella

pic@theacorn.com

Hey Tommy, look who it is. It’s William Bernwender. He’s the epitome of all sissies, don’t you think? I can’t believe he actually came to school with that box of Valentine’s Day cards. If Valentine’s Day isn’t a sissy’s holiday, I don’t know what else is.

What did you say to me, Tommy? Don’t talk so loud? I’m your best friend. You shouldn’t order me around like that. And what do I care if he hears me? What’s he gonna do, tell his mommy on me? Or maybe he won’t give me a Valentine’s Day card. Oh, my heart would be so sore. Please, gimme a break. Look at that dope, wearing a red shirt. And red pants? Who wears red pants except for sissies? I bet his mommy picked that outfit out for him.

What do you mean, "But the girls like him?" What girls like him? No girls will like him with that silly smile on his face. When was the last time you saw Rambo or James Bond wearing a stupid grin on their face? Not like William Bernwender would even know who Rambo or James Bond is. He’s more likely to know Strawberry Shortcake or Barbie or the Valentine’s princess.

Who’s the Valentine’s princess? I have no idea, Tommy. I made it up. But it’s just as silly as the rest of this holiday. It’s not like Valentine’s Day is a real holiday like Christmas when Jesus was born or like Halloween when you get scared.

I don’t know what Halloween is for, Tommy. But it has a real meaning, not like Valentine’s Day when all you do is spend money on stupid flowers that are gonna die in two days. Or spend your money on chocolate that’s just gonna make you fat. How ’bout wastin’ your money on some stupid school dance so you can tell some girl, "I love you" or, "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" Please. That stuff’s for sissies, Tommy. I’d rather be at home watchin’ a movie with a helicopter. You know what I mean?

No way. I can’t believe my eyes. Tommy, look at that. Is William Bernwender actually gonna give that stupid stuffed teddy bear to Cindy? She’ll throw it back in his face. Cindy doesn’t like sissies. She wants a man. Someone like Rambo or James Bond.

Yes, that’s right, a man, like me. But I don’t waste my time with girls. I’m not gonna follow some girl around like a puppy dog and say, "I love you" and, "Yes, dear," the way my dad tells my mom. I’m not gonna recite stupid love sayings or love poems like "I love you, I love you, you made the rainy day shine when you asked me to be your Valentine." All that stupid stuff is for stupid sissies. Forget it. Not me. You’ll find me on the football field or in the gym lifting heavy weights or wearing camouflage or on the racetrack.

I know I don’t drive yet, Tommy. But when I do, you can be sure I won’t be wasting my time with girls.

No way. I can’t believe my eyes. Tommy, look at that. William Bernwender is actually asking Cindy to the Valentine’s Day dance. She’ll say no to him. I know it.

So she said yes. Who cares? If you were really my best friend, Tommy, you wouldn’t care either.

Look at that. William Bernwender will have to join the sissy club. Now that he’s got a girlfriend, he’s gonna have to buy jewelry for Cindy all the time. You know how that goes. You know how expensive that stuff is, Tommy? I’d rather spend that money on something cool like baseball cards or gum. Jewelry is sissy stuff if you ask me.

You’re wrong, Tommy. My watch isn’t jewelry. It keeps time, dummy. If you haven’t noticed, both Rambo and James Bond wear watches. Look, if you’re gonna be my best friend, you can’t ask stupid questions.

Geez, look at this, Tommy. I can’t stand this anymore. Look at all those sissies giving and getting Valentine’s Day cards. I’ll tell you this. If one person—especially a girl—comes over here with a Valentine’s Day card, I’ll rip it up in front of her face.

Tommy, would you look at all those sissies with those stupid Valentine’s Day card boxes? You’d never catch me dead with one of those.

No way. I can’t believe my eyes. Tommy, look at that. It’s Rebecca Ferretti. Why does she have a Valentine’s Day card box? No one will give her a card. She’s just waiting to . . .

Shhh. Tommy, be quiet. Oh no, turn around. She’s coming this way. Is she coming over to us or someone else?

Tommy, do you honestly think I can’t see she’s taking a card out of her Valentine’s Day card box? It’s probably not for us. Right?

I know I said I’d rip it up, Tommy. But she’s probably not gonna give one to us anyway. Right?

She doesn’t even talk to me, ever. She hasn’t talked to you either, right?

Great. There’s no one behind us. She is coming over to us. Tommy, what do we do now? We should just run away, right?

I know what I said, Tommy. You don’t have to keep reminding me. But I can’t just rip it up in front of her. What am I gonna do? What if she gives me a Valentine’s Day card? I don’t have one to give her. Oh great, I’m not even wearing red.

Quick, Tommy, do you know any sayings of love or any love poems that I can recite for her? Dang, my mom gave me some chocolate and a teddy bear this morning and I left it all at home. I could’ve given her that stuff. Is it too late to get tickets for the dance? I’ve got extra money if that’s what it takes to get in. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to—

Hey, Tommy, why did Rebecca give you a Valentine’s Day card and not me?

Where are you going, Tommy? Hey, you can’t leave me. I’m only your best friend. Fine. Leave with Rebecca Ferretti. See if I care. Rebecca Ferretti gives you a card and all of a sudden you’re all gaga over Valentine’s Day? I thought you hated girls. I thought Valentine’s Day was for sissies. Fine, forget pizza and "Rambo" this Friday night. And don’t even think we’re hanging out this weekend at the tree fort. You liar. You traitor! YOU SISSY!

Who cares? Let him go. I don’t need a best friend anyway. I don’t need Rebecca Ferretti either. I don’t need anyone. I sure don’t need a Valentine’s Day card. I hate Valentine’s Day cards. I hate Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is for sissies.