Yuletide

A fire at any time is dangerous, but a holiday fire is devastating.

Each year, holiday fires cause $575,218,612.32 in damage (and this doesn’t include the presents).

I’m not going to bore you with a list of safety precautions because I know that my readers (both of you) are informed and perspicacious.

Just last week one of you sent me a wonderful crayon drawing of Santy Claws painstaking drawn during a rather exciting group therapy session in Oak Park where there was a major struggle to keep everyone dressed. (Numbered copies suitable for gift giving are available.)

Just last week I conducted a seminar on Christmas Fire Safety at the request of the U.S. Fire Administration Department of Homeland Security Federal Emergency Management Agency Working for a Fire-Safe America to Detect and Deport Pyromaniacs (USFADHSFEMAWFSADDP).

During this exciting Red Level session of frank give-and-take, there were some daring questions:

Q: I want a fresh tree for Christmas. The one from last year didn’t last.

A: First, get a green one; brown is not festive and check under the fake snow because sometimes the stuff is used to keep the needles on a dead tree.

Q: How do I make the tree last longer this year?

A: Don’t put your tree over the heating vent even if the tree does sway like a tropical breeze blowing through the branches.

Q: How can I tell if my lights are safe?

A: Strings of lights are relatives of garden hoses. If they can get kinky, they will. Never roll them up where they can touch each other; stretch them out over your garage rafters.

Q: How many lights can I safely use on my tree?

A: Depends upon the size of the tree. I use one. Others require strands of lights that can be seen by the space station cosmonauts. I wouldn’t link more than, say, three. No, I didn’t mean say three; I meant three strings of lights. Next question.

Q: What’s the alternative to leaving my lights unattended?

A: It’s exciting spending quality time with your lights, but you can unplug them when you go out and they will, too.

Q: And if I use candles or even oil?

A: Great for the season. Make sure the holder is stable and cannot be knocked over by Curiosity the cat. Never leave home with flames burning; use a flashlight.

Q: Why can’t I make a holly jolly fire with the wrapping paper?

A: I’ll read from the official Homeland Security pamphlet: Seemingly benign items such as gift-wrapping paper are highly suspect. Informants have alerted us to the implantation of harmful ink that can throw off dangerous sparks and produce a chemical buildup in the fireplace that could cause an explosion potentially interrupting the football game.

Q: Since I can’t reuse my Christmas tree, what can I do with it?

A: Experience has proven that planting it and claiming that tree beetles killed it will not be acceptable to the neighborhood association. Nor will stuffing it into the fireplace. As I learned, it takes a full year for eyebrows to grow back.

Q: Thank you very much. My name’s Frank. What’s yours again?

A: No, it’s Bill. And, why don’t you let someone else ask a question?

Q: Because I’m the only person here.

If the audience in its burning desire for useful information hadn’t gobbled all of my allotted time, I would have said that in the event of a fire, remember that time is the biggest enemy. Escape first then call for help.

Know two ways to escape from every room and be able to feel your way out with your eyes closed. Fire is pitch black; it starts bright but instantly turns to black smoke and complete darkness.

Never stand up, always crawl because it’s 100 degrees on the floor and 600 degrees at eye level.

In five minutes the entire room will ignite at once. The heat and smoke will kill you before the flames will.

Don’t be a chestnut roasting over an open fire. Let Jack Frost nip at your nose.

Happy Holidays to both of you and may your Yuletide be bright.