If Words Could Talk

By Bill E. Brock

Does the Mattress Matter?

You bet your sheep it does. There’s a vast difference between sleeping on the floor and sleeping in the bed. The major difference is just being able to move and get up in the morning within a five-minute time frame.

After the last time I fell asleep on the floor, I remember waking up and staring at the ceiling for several minutes without moving for fear that my neck and back had suffered severe damage and I would surely paralyze myself if I moved more than my eyes. There was no way I could sit up. I rolled over on my side and slowly inched up, until I got on my knees. From there, I snapped, crackled and popped my way upright.

There’s a council for better sleep that sayeth the Romans first stuffed bags with whatever there was a lot of close at hand. Wool, feathers and hay topped the list.

They soon discovered the waterbed. It required trustworthy assistants to make it work. The sequence went like this: First, the "sleepor" reclined in a cradle of scented warm water until drowsy and about ready to drift off. Then, the "sleepees" hoisted the sleepor onto a mattress stuffed into another cradle where they were gently rocked until they went beddy by.

Drifting off brings a couple of sleep expressions to mind. Ever heard sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite? As a kid, sleep tight didn’t bother me but whenever I visited relatives, I was sure the bed bugs were going to nibble on me—even though I never actually saw one. I knew my bed didn’t have bed bugs, but I had serious doubts about strange beds.

In days of old, mattresses were placed on top of ropes that had to be tightened unless you wanted to sag to the floor where the floor bugs were waiting to munch on you.

The mattresses of old, generally stuffed with stuff that housed bugs that, following the laws of nature, attracted larger things to eat those bugs gave rise to the bed bugs biting.

It probably originated the admonition don’t eat in bed unless you want to be on the menu later in the night, which subsequently was shortened to don’t eat in bed.

Did you know you could buy a mattress you really like from a hotel? Yep, the beds are for sale literally. Prices are reasonable and the mattresses are very durable. It seems the three largest manufacturing companies (they all start with an "s" for sleep) make hotel mattresses a bit more sturdy for longevity.

The mattresses are tested with a 240-pound weight that’s rolled over the bed at least 10,000 times. This supposedly is equal to six years of wear and tear. But everyone knows the best and fastest way to test a mattress is to hire a class of third graders to bounce around on it.

A comfortable mattress won’t cure one of nature’s most irritating problems—the snore that resonates through walls. If you’ve tried to sleep with or near a snorer, it’s not a sound that lulls the sandman to sleep.

Women snore. Children snore occasionally. But, men are more likely to snore. Women are polite snorers. Men are like gorillas snorting and grunting.

As a kid, I used to think someone snoring was really sleeping and was I envious. Little did I know that snoring isn’t an indication of a deep, restful sleep.

It’s really the opposite.

Snoring means you’re not getting enough oxygen and you can actually stop breathing for up to two minutes. Part of the technical stuff is snoring is caused by that little thingee in the back of your throat vibrating as you try to inhale but your breathing path is obstructed, for some reason.

Losing weight, not smoking and not drinking alcohol can usually eliminate the obstruction. Personally, I compromised and tried the nasal strips that football players wear on their noses. Worked for me and it sure beat the alternatives.

Ever have weird sensations in your legs like pulling and tingling that make you want to move your legs or try to walk in bed? Well, this leg discomfort has a real scientific name—Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS). Nothing beats calling it like it is.

Insomnia is a common sleep disorder that one in three of us experience to some degree. Serious cases are quickly solved with sleeping pills.

Another sleep problem is caused by laughing. Notice how some people have trouble standing up when they really laugh hard? Well that’s what happens with folks afflicted with narcolepsy (nar-co-lep-sy).

These guys are always sleepy and at any time—especially when laughing—they can lose all muscle tone and just collapse. They can actually suffer sleep paralysis, yet are fully awake but cannot move.

Are you still awake? Let’s vote. Is reading this stuff safe or have the narcoleptics already dozed off?