If Words Could Talk

Big people are curious. Little people are curious. Pets are curious. Cats are especially curious.

That’s why cats need nine lives.

The SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) issues warnings every holiday season to protect pets from themselves and their insatiable curiosity. Take, for example, that wonderful smelling tree you dragged inside. You must have noticed the interest it aroused in your feline friend—just like opening a can at dinnertime.

By itself, the tree is relatively harmless to your pettipoo. But once you start to "decorate," the situation deteriorates.

A Christmas tree drinks about a gallon of water a week. This means you’re going to be adding water every time you turn around (and maybe even a chemical to keep nature’s monument as fresh as possible for as long as possible, considering what you paid for it).

Never let your pet drink the water, at least while you’re looking. It probably won’t kill them, but the upset stomachs of cats and dogs leave evidence that’s not particularly festive.

Lemon peels supposedly help deter cats from the water stand—unless they have a taste for the gourmet.

It’s also suggested that you brace your tree as much as possible. Some pets consider it a birthright to race to the crown before the tree topples and takes out your blazing holiday candles. According to some sources, the lights aren’t particularly enticing to animals, but the wiring satisfies a basic urge to chew.

If you don’t ground the lights with a three-pronged wall socket or use a circuit-breaking power strip, you run the risk of electrocuting your four-legged family member.

Even Texas doesn’t allow that. At least not yet.

Every little bauble and shiny ornament says "Come get me" to your furry little friend. To grasp this, all you have to do is think like an animal.

For some folks, that’s not so difficult. You can spot them in restaurants chewing with their mouths open with the food dropping out which they scoop up with their fingers and suck clean before dunking them in the water glass with the lemon peel.

They, too, have a taste for the gourmet.

Why not lie down on the floor and gaze upward at the tree for a pet’s real world viewpoint?

It’s a fact that crunchy little glass balls create havoc with paw pads and lacerate tongues making it difficult to "speak" clearly. (And we’re not even going to mention how your holiday will be ruined if the glass is swallowed).

Angel hair, tinsel and snow flocking are all outrageously dangerous. They cause intestinal damage and block nasal passages, causing your pet to fade in and out of consciousness and miss Santa’s arrival.

Cats are very susceptible to strangulation and intestinal obstruction from stings of cranberries, popcorn and tinsel rope, which they eat with wild abandonment while tossing all three in the air like some sort of Christmas prey.

Diarrhea and vomiting are the mild twin results of eating your poinsettias, mistletoe, ivy, holly berries and artificial snow.

The next level is severe poisoning that could result in a permanent state of "lights out." As you can easily understand, these items aren’t healthy choices. But, for cats, snacking on lilies might be their last meal.

Dog’s tastes run more to chocolate. That’s why they’re man’s best friend (the dogs, not the chocolates).

Chocolate acts as a stimulant, and if eaten in large amounts, can cause increased heart rate, irregular heartbeat, heart attacks and then no heartthrob.

In this situation, vomiting and diarrhea can lead to dehydration and the pet cemetery. And rest assured that all this is going to happen at the most inconvenient time.

Veterinarians surprisingly call it "chocolate toxicity."

Dogs not only eat the chocolates but the aluminum foil wrappers, which cause problems (even if the chocolate doesn’t).

Point of reference here; a dog would have to eat several pounds of chocolate candy to have any serious problems other than ruining your carpet.

The real culprit is the dark, unsweetened baking chocolate (sometimes tucked on lower shelves or left on the kitchen counter just asking to be munched). If your pet has no taste buds and can eat this stuff without caramel and nuts, their heart isn’t going to belong to you (or them) anymore.

If your pet rubs up against potpourri oil and licks it, you can expect the standard vomiting and diarrhea, followed by liver damage.

None of which is inclined to make you or your pet merry for the holidays.

Also, forget about hanging those pretty ribbons around your pet’s neck (for obvious reasons).

If your pet survives your seasonal decorating, you can treat them to some fowl leftovers—without the bones (because they splinter and puncture intestines, which causes your pet to leak inappropriately––which your cat or dog may do anyway).

Don’t stuff your pet with tidbits because, you guessed it, the results will be the now thoroughly recognizable vomiting and diarrhea.

Enjoy the holidays with your pet but be cognizant that their digestive system cannot tolerate the same foods that you do in large quantities. Skip the potato latkes.

And, just like people, pets don’t like change.

Moving the furniture around to make room for the tree and other holiday decorations may cause temporary amnesia. The result is your cat cannot remember where the litter box is or how to use it.

Oh, yes, don’t forget to keep an eye on your dog, too. Bringing a tree inside creates a conflicting canine social dilemma when Mother Nature calls.

But at least it doesn’t involve vomiting and diarrhea.