IF WORDS COULD TALK

By Bill E. Brock

Scientists recently figured out that a wired monkey (just by thinking about it) could move a robot in any direction that the monkey preferred, as long as the primate was rewarded with food. This was mind over matter and what mattered was getting the food—and not getting an electrical shock for screwing up.

If I were the monkey, I’d always go for the food, even if I didn’t like brussel sprouts.

I immediately conjured up visions of people becoming walking transmitters and sending out thoughts that easily could be argued before the Supreme Court to determine if they were protected by the Constitution.

The more expensive transmitters, of course, would have more features, more control and more complicated thoughts than just for food, sex and sleep.

We know that dogs, cats and other four-leggers have a tendency to walk away when you’re short on time and force you to wander the streets calling, "Here, Shadow, come on, Shadow." Identification devices for pets have been available for a long time.

At first, they were benign because they only provided a serial number so the owner could be located and nobody had to plaster the neighborhood with photocopies of the family friend.

Two related thought-arresting developments were recently reported in the media.

The stories revealed that researchers have evolved the science of locating lost things to a new level.

First, it was reported that a less sophisticated relative of Mickey Mouse had a tiny radio receiver screwed into his brain. He had to be a strong rat because he had a video camera, radio, video antennas and batteries all strapped onto his back with the ubiquitous Velcro harness.

Why attach a pack of CIA gear onto a rat is a fair question.

The public relations spin was to rationalize it by associating the concept with something acceptable in the public’s mind; 9-11 without ever directly saying so.

The idea is to send these deft little soldiers into buildings to look for survivors.

There are lots of rats and people probably won’t miss a few thousand of them. Apparently this loss ratio is acceptable even to animal rights’ activists.

A signal is sent to the rat’s brain that affects its whiskers causing it to "think" that it’s touched something and needs to move in the opposite direction. If it moves away fast enough, it gets a "pleasure" stimulation. But if it has a mind of its own, it gets the old standby; the Ben Franklin shock treatment.

It’s a familiar concept because most of us experience it every day. But it’s new to rats, especially those unfamiliar with Ben.

Future users will undoubtedly benefit because they’ll notice that men, like rats, also have whiskers.

It makes me wonder if the researchers are female.

Scientists also just revealed that they’ve buried computer chips in humans to provide identification and medical information.

We now have "Lo-Jack Uncle Fred" to go along with the stolen car tracking system. A computer chip is implanted, embedded, inserted or otherwise hidden inside Uncle Fred’s body. The chip lets you locate him (or Shadow) if they wander off, get stolen or are kidnapped.

Now, on the surface that’s not a bad idea, not only for safety reasons, but also to save search time and frustration.

Get this: the chip transmits an identification number when a scanner (like those used at airport security checkpoints) detects the chip, which then is "activated." This barcode provides all sorts of medical information that can be quickly retrieved. Theoretically so could your Social Security number, credit report, IQ, favorite foods, video rental history or buying anything off the Internet.

It’s a bright idea. But, as we all know, there’s a dark side.

Loss of privacy in the real twilight zone where we live comes to mind.

Consider a combination of these developments, allowing parents to have their babies "chipped."

Wouldn’t it be comforting to know where your kids are, what they’re doing and actually see and hear them doing it?

A parent’s remote-control dream come true.

If the youngsters are "good," they get a shot of pleasure; if they’re "bad," they get an electrical "Dad and Mom Are Watching."

At 18, they get "un-chipped" and wander around unmonitored, unmotivated and unwired (just like the rest of us) until they have children themselves to chip—thus becoming another chip off the old block. (I couldn’t resist that one).

The control issue raises towering moral and ethical questions that could quickly become the subject of national debate.

In the meantime, enjoy your unfettered freedom as progress marches on, looking for utopia–and new places to hide the chip.

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