Children of divorce face rough holidays

The holiday season is a difficult one for the children of families in the midst of divorce or when a divorce has recently occurred.

Parents’ wishes to spend the holidays with their children often lead to disagreements and can leave the kids feeling stressed as they shuttle between houses. It’s little wonder that family courts are typically busy in December with emergency custody battles.

A recent book from the American Counseling Association, ‘‘Don’t Divorce Us! Kids’ Advice to Divorcing Parents,’’ offers some worthwhile suggestions on helping minimize the pain of divorce for children during the holiday season as well as other times of the year. Working from a unique perspective, the book combines the suggestions of experienced counselors with the insights and advice of children who have actually lived through the divorce experience.

It is the real-life comments, observations and insights from the children of divorce that offer some of the most meaningful advice in this book.

The comments of one 14-year-old boy, reflecting on his parents’ divorce, is particularly apt for the holiday season: ‘‘Remember that the children are the most important thing. Think of them first, not your own anger or your own hurt, but them.’’

While there’s no simple formula to protect children from the trauma of the divorce process, there are a things parents can do, especially during stressful times such as the holidays, to minimize the pain their children may be experiencing.

•Keep the kids out of the battlefield. Don’t fight in front of them and don’t involve them in the arguments.

•Keep the kids informed. Making believe everything is fine fools no one. Don’t share all the gory details, but let the kids know what’s happening.

•Don’t allow the kids to take sides. That also means don’t force them to take your side.

•Assure the kids it’s not their fault, and assure them over and over. Kids are sponges for guilt–– they’re used to making mistakes and getting blamed.

During the holidays they may feel even more strongly that the family is apart because of something they did or are doing.

• Keep communication open. It can be difficult and emotionally draining, but encourage your kids to ask questions, to discuss what they’re feeling and what’s worrying them. Provide honest, helpful answers, not negative propaganda about your spouse.

•Make sure your children know you haven’t stopped loving them. It can be confusing, and terrifying, to learn that one’s parents have stopped loving one another. Kids need to be reassured that their parents’ love for them hasn’t disappeared.

‘‘Don’t Divorce Us’’ ($15.95) is published by the American Counseling Association and is available in local bookstores, online at Amazon.com, or directly from the American Counseling Association at (800) 347-6647, ext. 222. The American Counseling Association is the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals with more than 50,000 members across the U.S.